Mjrn's University Paper, Characters, Discussion and Reviews. PLEASE REVIEW- All chars up!

I haven't thought of a name yet ^^"

My assignment is to write a science-fiction story involving a philosophical theory that I learned in class, I will be doing a Casual [Time] Loop.

I decided to manipulate certain guildies' characters into my story. Since it is a professional Univeristy paper I had to change some names and appearences for obvious reasons. I will do an edit of this story that will be longer and more accurate to members of the guild once I've handed it in.

Not all guildies will appear in this story since I am pressured for time and length, if I do a sequel you will surely be in it!

So who's in it so far?

The ISR Team (Intergalatical Species Preservation)

Director and Higher Ups
Lucxene- An Acardian, a Humanoid race with empathic abilities and are unnaturally beautiful, closely resembled to humans. They live in an extremely hot climate. Usually has a calm, cool and caring demenor but has been under an unnatrual amount of pressure due to the details of a new mission.

Kaza Ookami- General Manager of ISP's Food and Rations Supply, hasn't appeared yet except for an annoyed mention by Mjrn about how their base lacks food kudos to him. [Will play a larger role later]

Field Agents

Mjrn Ashati- A Shyruian, a Humanoid with sharper senses and features including long pointed ears, a hooked nose and cat like eyes, they reside in very cold climates. Leader of the feild agents, Mjrn was in a space craft crash right before she joined the ISU 25 years ago. She was 35 when she joined, because her race lives for eternity she doesn't age as rapidly as other Humanoids.

Tika Keiga- An Eurican, a Humanoid alien that are larger and stronger than the adverage Human, thus allowing them to break a Human skull with their bare hands. Tika is considered to be small for her race, but is very agile considering her height. Her and Mjrn have been partners for 16 years making them very close friends, roomated and agents. Tika is unnaturally aware of the needs and weaknesses of her team mates and is usually the only to sliently help them.

Zymes- A Latro Humanoid that have the similar features to a wolf, with the most prodominate feature being the ears. Zymes is by far considered to be the best shot on the team for his race are renounded hunters, being the youngest memeber of the team Zymes is often forgetting rules and regulations but makes up for his unnatural accuracy on the feild.

Monad- Like Lucxene he is also an Acardian, while his skills in combat are not on par compared to the other memebers, he acts a living lie dector for the team and is also a break and entry specialist for he can pick any lock. He is also deemed by the whole team to be too hyper and is not allowed to consum any caffinated beverages while on duty.

Communication Agents
Kooh- A Crillum, a Humanoid race that look like children. Even though she is 25 years old, Kooh has the appearence of a 14 year old. her racial trait is having an expert memory which has allowed Kooh to memories 67 of the major alien languages found in the galaxy, she is also a computer and tech wiz.

Jarod- A Hyanuim who acts as the team communicator between each other and HQ. Hyanium's have the ability to set up a mental link with any person who writes their birthname on his body forming a tatoo. Very quiet and some times sombre, Jarod knows all of the team's secret but will be fired and gutted by Mjrn if he spills them.

Rogue Union

Liah- A Shyruian, not much is known of her except that she is involved in the plot to murder Leifeng.

Celica- A Shyibean, not much is known of her except that she is involved in the plot to murder Leifeng.

Zion- A Var'rin, not much is known of him except that he accompanies Liah and Celica.

Ziviuln Prophets and Civilians

Leifeng- The upcomming Ziviuln Prophet, only one every 360 years is picked and blessed with the current Prophet's life blood. The Ziviuln Prophet is connected to the galaxy and can perdict any natural disasters that will occur, such as solar flares, these perdictions save billions of lives.

Vampiro- The current Ziviuln Prophet, will be suceeded by Leifeng and will ascend to become one of the Great Ones.

Sloggan- Ziviuln Prophet during the Great Planetary War of in 2385. Deceased.

Binks- Works alongside Vampiro, nothing is known of him. He Knows Everything.

The Moron Wagon
These are the lovely people the author blames because she's not creative.

Stubmorious Twiddlefingers- Cheif of the Time-Space Affairs, known as Stubbs Butterfingers to the group for he is a very short human who drops lots of important artifacts, mainly the super rare Space-Time Defribelliator.

~*~*~*~

That's it for the characters so far! More to be added later as well as comments on the work, please remember that I am being graded on this so if you see any typos in the main work tell me, and if you have any suggestions go for it.

I will be eiditing a lot since this casual loop has lots to do with numbers [pay attention you might get the riddle], I will constantly be updating original posts.

Cheers!

Mjrn

*post may or may not contain spoilers. do not read if... blah blah blah. you know the drill.*

First off, I enjoyed reading it. It was a nice story, with sufficient detail.

The only problem I would have is near the ending. Once the time machine was involved, and yes I know how cliche mentioning the time machine is.

My first problem, is the culprit of them all. If they were all being used, then I want to know by who, and why. The only clue was :

“Binks it wasn’t your fault, they were all being manipulated in a ploy by the Zuvuro Empire, they were all being controlled, Mjrn, Liah, Celica, Zion, Sloggan. He is an evil man and you tried your best.”

Just who is this evil man? The emperor? the council that supports the emperor? etc.

This brings me to Celica. Throughout all the memories during the travel, it would work as she was evil all along. Just how was she used? Since she prepared everything from memories to suspects, I see her being in direct orders from the "evil man."

Lastly is about all the memories itself, which I only have a half-problem with. Once Mjrn was memory diving, it felt forced and confused. But since that is basically what Mjrn would be feeling, it makes sense story-wise. My problem is, that I had to read it a few times to get the details within the confusion.

Besides these things, I really enjoyed reading. I can clearly see the detail and thought you put into the world. If I had the chance, I would gladly like to read more of the world.

As for a name for the story, I suggest something that doesn't come up in the story much. Like: 360. Something like...."360 Memories". or something

Tika_Keiga wrote:*post may or may not contain spoilers. do not read if... blah blah blah. you know the drill.*

First off, I enjoyed reading it. It was a nice story, with sufficient detail.

The only problem I would have is near the ending. Once the time machine was involved, and yes I know how cliche mentioning the time machine is.

My first problem, is the culprit of them all. If they were all being used, then I want to know by who, and why. The only clue was :

“Binks it wasn’t your fault, they were all being manipulated in a ploy by the Zuvuro Empire, they were all being controlled, Mjrn, Liah, Celica, Zion, Sloggan. He is an evil man and you tried your best.”

Just who is this evil man? The emperor? the council that supports the emperor? etc.

This brings me to Celica. Throughout all the memories during the travel, it would work as she was evil all along. Just how was she used? Since she prepared everything from memories to suspects, I see her being in direct orders from the "evil man."

Lastly is about all the memories itself, which I only have a half-problem with. Once Mjrn was memory diving, it felt forced and confused. But since that is basically what Mjrn would be feeling, it makes sense story-wise. My problem is, that I had to read it a few times to get the details within the confusion.

Besides these things, I really enjoyed reading. I can clearly see the detail and thought you put into the world. If I had the chance, I would gladly like to read more of the world.

As for a name for the story, I suggest something that doesn't come up in the story much. Like: 360. Something like...."360 Memories". or something

When I was talking it over with Jarod, he had some similar concerns. The major problem falls with my word limit, I couldn't break 10,000 and I was damn close to doing it [Like I mentioned I had 9,944 words]

I'm starting to write an alternate ending that will explain all of those questions, the word limit really burned me.

Hm I do like the title idea I'm really stumpped for that

Thanks for the review!

Mjrn wrote:When I was talking it over with Jarod, he had some similar concerns. The major problem falls with my word limit, I couldn't break 10,000 and I was damn close to doing it [Like I mentioned I had 9,944 words]

I'm starting to write an alternate ending that will explain all of those questions, the word limit really burned me.

Hm I do like the title idea I'm really stumpped for that

Thanks for the review!

No problem.

First I want to say bravo on the story! It was very well-detailed and it there is just enough to keep you reading and paying attention.

Aside from very minor spelling and grammar errors, here are some of the things I picked up that may need some tweaking:

Zymes walked up beside me, he was wearing a long, thin pine green clock to hide the large sniper rifle that was strapped onto his back.

This was confusing...green clock? What?

I was intrigued with the "rules of communication" with the mind link thing for the Communicators Jarod and Kooh.

‘I think that’s Tika trying to tell you to shut up and do your job.’ I said as I rolled my eyes and looked at Monad. “How are things?” He smiled; it reminded me of a Cheshire cat as he placed his tea that he just ordered on the table. “Perfect, everything’s set I think the dinner party today will be a hit.” I waited for Jarod to comment, but I was met with silence, perfect. “I’m excited for it, and the hotel’s ready?” Monad nodded in response as the three of us continued to drink our beverages.

I don't know what kind of format you have to follow for your paper, but as far as I know in writing, it's recommended and useful to make a new paragraph each time a different character speaks and there is a change in dialogue. It also makes it easier for the reader.

Using different quotations for the mind talk doesn't differentiate enough from spoken talk. Try italicizing instead?

‘They’re going to be going to the Art Gallery on the West side of town tomorrow, the

Try "They're heading to" that way you can cut off a few words for word limit

As soon as we arrived at the hotel the four of us went into our rooms, me and Tika in one,

Tika and I

What I noticed most though was he was pale,

That was confusing, I suggest: What I noticed most was his pale complexion

For her race she was short, closer to the average height was similar to that of an average human.

This sentence was a little confusing, I don't have a suggestion to fix it but just pointing it out.

Silently a lean woman sat beside her, her bright pink hair was tied in two tight buns on either side of her head.

Princess Leia much? XD

I like how you described Celica's character and abilities though. <3

In fact you described most of the characters very well and even their personalities shone through just vividly.

I suddenly {ran? burst?} through the door open as me and Tika {Tika and I}charged inside.

My nails elongated and clenched the tendon, it much {must} have hurt for she stopped punching me,

As the words left his lips, my brown {brows} knitted together, what the hell was he talking about?

Binks raised her head and looked at the group anger in her eyes.

I thought Binks was first noted as a male? Just pointing that out.


Overall, I loved reading it and it would be nice if you continued. Being in Mjrn's POV makes it more interesting and was well done. The characters had great development and brought you into the story right away.

Good luck on your paper! I'm sure you'll receive an awesome grade after you turn it in.

Binks is my gender bender, I keep thinking of him as her since she's female.

Italics are a no no in this type of paper, my prof is a very interesting individual who luckily spells worse than I do <<"

Thank you for the review, my spelling and grammar have always been a hinderance in my essays ^^" guess that's what happenes when you don't learn how to write in English till about the 8th grade *shakes her fist at the school system* I'll start adjusting the errors right now <3

The only thing I don't perticullary care for is when authors seperate the speech from actions and descriptons like:

As I entered the back door to my home I could immediatly smell the day old coffee. After kicking my shoes off I ran to the coffee maker and dumped it's contents into the sink and rised the pot out with hot water. "Guess mom forgot to clean the coffee pot again" I muttered to myself. I turned around and looked at the clock on the microwave, it read 4:59 P.M, guess it's time to start supper.

versus

As I entered the back door to my home I could immediatly smell the day old coffee. After kicking my shoes off I ran to the coffee maker and dumped it's contents into the sink and rised the pot out with hot water.

"Guess mom forgot to clean the coffee pot again" I muttered to myself.

I turned around and looked at the clock on the microwave, it read 4:59 P.M, guess it's time to start supper.

Personally I never liked when authors did that, I like paragraphs to flow as one consistant thought, action and scene. It's like reading Laurel K. Hamilton compared to Gena Showalter. As much as I lve Hamilton's books whe she seperates the text from everything else is reminds me that I am indeed reading a novel. Showalter mixes her speech into the other text which makes it more raw and you lose yourself in reading it since it flows.

But that's just me and I read way too much ^^"

Thank you very much for your review!

Mjrn wrote:The only thing I don't perticullary care for is when authors seperate the speech from actions and descriptons like:

As I entered the back door to my home I could immediatly smell the day old coffee. After kicking my shoes off I ran to the coffee maker and dumped it's contents into the sink and rised the pot out with hot water. "Guess mom forgot to clean the coffee pot again" I muttered to myself. I turned around and looked at the clock on the microwave, it read 4:59 P.M, guess it's time to start supper.

versus

As I entered the back door to my home I could immediatly smell the day old coffee. After kicking my shoes off I ran to the coffee maker and dumped it's contents into the sink and rised the pot out with hot water.

"Guess mom forgot to clean the coffee pot again" I muttered to myself.

I turned around and looked at the clock on the microwave, it read 4:59 P.M, guess it's time to start supper.

Personally I never liked when authors did that, I like paragraphs to flow as one consistant thought, action and scene. It's like reading Laurel K. Hamilton compared to Gena Showalter. As much as I lve Hamilton's books whe she seperates the text from everything else is reminds me that I am indeed reading a novel. Showalter mixes her speech into the other text which makes it more raw and you lose yourself in reading it since it flows.

I believe This isn't the problem. The problem Celica had, was that TWO different people were talking within the SAME paragraph. Most people assume words within the same paragraph are from the same person. Having two people talk during a paragraph can be confusing, and that's what Celica was talking about.

While I didn't have a problem with it, I can see why others would.

Tika_Keiga wrote:

I believe This isn't the problem. The problem Celica had, was that TWO different people were talking within the SAME paragraph. Most people assume words within the same paragraph are from the same person. Having two people talk during a paragraph can be confusing, and that's what Celica was talking about.

While I didn't have a problem with it, I can see why others would.

yeah sorry that's exactly what I meant, thanks Tika :3

Celica wrote:yeah sorry that's exactly what I meant, thanks Tika :3

;P

Whoo sorry for the late reply...I have to say...

I always knew your writing skills were really up there.Though this was quite a good story,you really could write a book with your imagination and writing skills.It's pretty entertaining and keeps people wondering what's gonna happen next...XD You get like a Star Wars/Star Trek/Gundam/Mecha World thing going on.Of course that scy-fy futurisitc thing which is neat.

>_> As for myself,personally I love that I'm a "Bridge Bunny."LOL. I so would do that too...Like I am not much of a physical fighter...I just tell you what's instructed.Lol

It's hawt!^_^

I love the entire story and honestly I can't wait to read more. Its a change from things I've been reading lately considering its set in the future and as for the content, its been very interesting to read.

Btw, as for building character relationships...

I could be dating someone like say...Lucx and that would be the most normal thing ever eh? <<

*grabs Lucx and a wedding bouquet* What do you say about skipping the dating section and go just elope? :3

No Liah I'm making you the resident skank sorry >>

Actually I already invented a love interest for Luxcene >>"
<<" His name is GheyMang >> [kidding]

On that note I've began editing it slightly when I get a break between my essays and already started on the alternate ending. I would have liked to get farther but sadly this broncular infection has knocked me on my ass litterally.

Yep your guild leader is being punished for all the horrible deeds she's done by getting deathly sick this year.

Also if you have any suggestions at all please state them here, espeically if you think of any cool names I'l going to be adding in lots of minor characters and need names.

Finally I'm also planning on doing a character/race/planet guide since we're going to get a little expansive >>

All I have to say is that if we all got into a fight...Zion would kill us all.

Also >>" I'm sorry Zymes.
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